thrilling installment #14 of whatever

External Since: Apr 13, 2004 Posts: 993

So... a few more lines. Anyone wanting to comment? *I* don't.

----

Suddenly the air became damp and condensated in tiny water drops.
Before anybody realized, village had been covered in thick fog, making
it impossible too see hand before the eyes. Elias, however,
unimpressed by the phenomenon, listened into the white void. The muted
sounds reaching his ears were almost as good as actually seeing what
was going on; it was just a question of training. The villagers, on
the other hand, panicked finally and now people were constantly
bumping into, stumbling and falling over each other. Elias stepped to
the side, narrowly the man crashed into the wall next to him and
continued listening closely. There was something else, something
moving from the border of the village towards the stake, in what
seemed like a more or less straight line. A hothead for sure, but a
good one, damn good.

She made it. She could see where she was going; now someone ought to
say it was too hard a spell for her, but it wasn't the time to priding
herself. Laiva jumped up and in one movement broke into full run,
Mynor at her heels. It was almost impossible to navigate through the
headless crowd, but with an incredible show of skill she managed to
get through them without even slowing down. At least the fires kept
the villagers out of the center. Quickly she pulled the arrow out of
the man's body and grabbed his dagger; she didn't need it, but there
was no way she'd let them use it only one more time. Then she turned
to the stake and, with a few quick cuts, freed the girl from the
ropes, causing her to sink to the ground. She was indeed alive, but
hardly conscious; what had they only done to her. Laiva had no time to
loose, though. The havoc wouldn't last forever and neither would the
fog, do she put the girls arm around her shoulders and pulled her
upright; she was heavier than she looked for sure. How were they only
getting out of here like that?

Apart from the occasional steps right and left, to avoid the still
headless people, Elias hadn't shifted his position, but then again he
had seen worse in his time and he wasn't under pressure to act either.
The Azanee girl was heaving a much harder time for sure, but as far as
he could tell she was doing well. The yells and curses of the
villagers talked their own language.

The icy air was burning the skin and the wind made them shiver. Laiva
had given her coat to the other girl; she wouldn't have survived for
more than a few minutes in her thin dress. Even with the fires around
she must have been seriously cold. Obviously the villagers didn't care
too much about the health of their sacrifice. At least they didn't
seem to follow them; they probably though they wouldn't get far before
freezing to death anyway and perhaps they were right. Laiva wondered
how they managed to even get this far; what they needed now was a
warming fire, but the deep snow made even the thought appear futile
and and the only houses were probably the ones they were running away
from. Laiva stumbled and landed in the soft snow, pulling the other
girl down with her. It wasn't as cold as she had expected, comforting
even, surrounding her like a soft blanket. She felt so tired all of
the sudden; a bit of sleep surely wouldn't hurt, would it? Just a
moment or two.
--
emmel <the_emmel*you-know-what-that's-for*@gmx.net>
(Don't forget to remove the ** bit)

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External Since: Apr 14, 2004 Posts: 117

"emmel" <the_emmel*whatever*@gmx.net> wrote in message
news:slrncbbqua.msm.the_emmel*whatever*@btcips73x7.cip.uni-bayreuth.de...
> So... a few more lines. Anyone wanting to comment? *I* don't.

*reads curiously*

> ----
>
> Suddenly the air became damp and condensated in tiny water drops.

Just to check, is 'condensated' the right word here? Not certain... the
right meaning, but the right form?

> Before anybody realized, village had been covered in thick fog, making
> it impossible too see hand before the eyes.

'Before anybody realized what was happening', I think. Otherwise, what is
it they're realizing? Oh, and ', the village'.

Also, something between 'see' and 'hand'. Perhaps 'making it impossible for
a person to see their hand before their eyes'. Oh, and 'to' instead of
'too'.

> Elias, however,
> unimpressed by the phenomenon, listened into the white void.

One does not listen into something... 'listened to the white void', I
think.

> The muted
> sounds reaching his ears were almost as good as actually seeing what
> was going on; it was just a question of training.

Hrm... Replace 'good' with 'useful'. *nods*

> The villagers, on
> the other hand, panicked finally and now people were constantly
> bumping into, stumbling and falling over each other. Elias stepped to
> the side, narrowly the man crashed into the wall next to him and
> continued listening closely.

'narrowly the man'--what man? 'Elias stepped to the side and was narrowly
missed by a man who crashed into the wall next to him; unperturbed, he
continued listening closely.'

> There was something else, something
> moving from the border of the village towards the stake, in what
> seemed like a more or less straight line. A hothead for sure, but a
> good one, damn good.

Hmm... {'moving inwards from' and 'village toward'} if you wish.

> She made it. She could see where she was going; now someone ought to
> say it was too hard a spell for her, but it wasn't the time to priding
> herself.

Firstly, not 'ought'--that's saying that someone should say such-and-such.
'some might say it should have been too hard'. *nods slightly* Also, 'but
now wasn't the time for pride'. Or something along those lines, at least.

*after reading slightly* ...What does 'She made it.' refer to? *looks
confused* At first, I thought it meant that she had made it to the stake.

> Laiva jumped up and in one movement broke into full run,
> Mynor at her heels.

'broke into a full run'.

> It was almost impossible to navigate through the
> headless crowd, but with an incredible show of skill she managed to
> get through them without even slowing down.

'headless'? Or 'faceless'?

> At least the fires kept
> the villagers out of the center. Quickly she pulled the arrow out of
> the man's body and grabbed his dagger; she didn't need it, but there
> was no way she'd let them use it only one more time.

'even one more time'. Unless she actually means to let them use it again.

> Then she turned
> to the stake and, with a few quick cuts, freed the girl from the
> ropes, causing her to sink to the ground. She was indeed alive, but
> hardly conscious; what had they only done to her.

'what had they done to her?'

> Laiva had no time to
> loose, though.

*winces* 'lose'. When something's missing, you haven't 'loost' it, you've
'lost' it...

> The havoc wouldn't last forever and neither would the
> fog, do she put the girls arm around her shoulders and pulled her
> upright; she was heavier than she looked for sure.

'fog, so she'

Also, if you wish replace 'for sure' with something else... maybe 'she was
certainly heavier than she looked' or 'she was definitely heavier than she
looked'.

Oh, and: Introduction of interesting new character! Interesting! And
intrigue at the weight! Something strange? Perhaps member of a different
species, and a rebel? Or just a misjudging of weight?

....Of course, the 'interesting new character' thought-line is moot if she
dies within the next several seconds. *amusement*

> How were they only
> getting out of here like that?

'How were they going to get out of here?', or (perhaps even better) 'How
were they going to get to safety?'. ...No idea how to include the 'like
that' or the equivalent in there. Suggestions welcome.

> Apart from the occasional steps right and left, to avoid the still
> headless people, Elias hadn't shifted his position, but then again he
> had seen worse in his time and he wasn't under pressure to act either.

....Wait. /Are/ they literally headless? If not, I'd suggest replacing it
with 'sightless' here.

> The Azanee girl was heaving a much harder time for sure, but as far as
> he could tell she was doing well. The yells and curses of the
> villagers talked their own language.

What do you mean by 'talked their own language'? 'were in their own
language, and thus indecipherable' might be better.

> The icy air was burning the skin and the wind made them shiver.

'burned the skin', or 'burning her skin' or 'burning their skin'. I'd
suggest the first, however, since it probably doesn't apply to just the two
of them.

> Laiva
> had given her coat to the other girl; she wouldn't have survived for
> more than a few minutes in her thin dress. Even with the fires around
> she must have been seriously cold.

Here, I'd reccomend replacing 'seriously' with something else, though it's
quite good... 'dangerously', I'd say. Maybe, at least.

> Obviously the villagers didn't care
> too much about the health of their sacrifice.

*amusement*

> At least they didn't
> seem to follow them; they probably though they wouldn't get far before
> freezing to death anyway and perhaps they were right.

'seem to be following them', 'probably thought they'.

> Laiva wondered
> how they managed to even get this far; what they needed now was a
> warming fire, but the deep snow made even the thought appear futile
> and and the only houses were probably the ones they were running away
> from.

'how they had managed', 'futile and probably the only houses were the ones'.
(note the two 'and's in the original)

> Laiva stumbled and landed in the soft snow, pulling the other
> girl down with her.

Ay) 'in' or 'on'?

Bee) ...

....Eh, could have been worse. *shrugs* (And no, not referring to
grammar/spelling.)

> It wasn't as cold as she had expected, comforting
> even, surrounding her like a soft blanket. She felt so tired all of
> the sudden; a bit of sleep surely wouldn't hurt, would it? Just a
> moment or two.

Firstly, 'all of a sudden', and secondly: have you considered an elipsis
instead of a full stop to end the paragraph?

Hoowah story! Was it Elias or Laiva who created the fog? *searches memory*
And presumably, here's where Elias will make himself known to her...unless a
third party finds her first.

--
The Triad
User of 'Thingamajig!'
Refractor Dragon -=(UDIC)=-