thrilling installment #14 of whatever

External Since: Apr 13, 2004 Posts: 993

On 2004-06-23, xOtix <also DeleteThis @this.invalis> wrote:
> "Refractor Dragon" <wanderer DeleteThis @beeb.web> wrote in
> news:cb9ka0$6h8$1$830fa7a5@news.demon.co.uk:
>
>>> As a kid? I went straight from fairy tales to Jules Verne...
>>
>> ...Wait. Was Jules Verne the one who wrote about submarines years
>> before a submarine was actually built? *tries to work out author
>> names*
>>
>
> Yes. "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea"

::nods::
Many good books, though I never got around the read his last one that is
supposed to be so very different.
--
emmel <the_emmel*you-know-what-that's-for*@gmx.net>
(Don't forget to remove the ** bit)

Official AGC feedback maniac

"God is playing creatures - and we're the norns."

"A hundred dead are a tragedy - a hundred thousand are statistics."

"I guess you can call yourself lucky." -
"I could, but Linda suits me a little better... Smile

Things called lucky tend to get hit by trucks."

Hi, I'm a .sig virus. Just copy me to your .signature. And don't worry.

External Since: Apr 13, 2004 Posts: 993

On 2004-06-29, Refractor Dragon <wanderer RemoveThis @beeb.web> wrote:
> "emmel" <the_emmel*whatever*@gmx.net> wrote in message
> news:slrnce2qf3.7te.the_emmel*whatever*@btcips73x12.cip.uni-bayreuth.de...
>> On 2004-06-28, Refractor Dragon <wanderer RemoveThis @beeb.web> wrote:
>> > "emmel" <the_emmel*whatever*@gmx.net> wrote in message

[Suddenly the air became damp and condensated in tiny water drops.

s/condensated/condensed/
s/in/into/]

[Before anybody realized, village had been covered in thick fog, making
it impossible too see hand before the eyes.

s/village/the village/
s/too see hand before the eyes/to see hand before eyes/]

>> >> >> >> >> >> "Before anybody had realized it"?
>> >> >> >> >> >
>> >> >> >> >> > That just shifts the query to the meaning of the 'it'.
>> >> >> >> >>
>> >> >> >> >> Damn.
>> >> >> >> >
>> >> >> >> > Sorry.
>> >> >> >>
>> >> >> >> OOIE (Out Of Ideas Error)
>> >> >> >
>> >> >> > Skah.
>> >> >>
>> >> >> ::shrugs::
>> >> >
>> >> > ...Bah.
>> >
>> > NAJISBU

>> >> >> >> "To fast for anyone to notice, the village..." Sounds kinda
> stupid,
>> >> >> >> though.
>> >> >> >
>> >> >> > *nods slightly*
>> >> >>
>> >> >> _How_ slightly?
>> >> >
>> >> > ...Quite a bit slightly. Sort of.
>> >> >
>> >> > Firstly, 'quickly', not 'fast', though I don't know why. Secondly,
>> > 'Too',
>> >> > not 'To'. And thirdly, there's the invisible gap: 'Too quickly for
>> > anyone
>> >> > to notice [thing], the village [did whatever]'. You've left out the
>> >> > [thing].
>> >>
>> >> Back to square one.
>> >
>> > Skah.
>>
>> Yes.
>
> (Warning: At this point in time, self overheated and tired.)

Oh, great...

{Elias, however, unimpressed by the phenomenon, listened into the white
void. The muted sounds reaching his ears were almost as good as actually
seeing what was going on; it was just a question of training.

s/*/Elias, however, unshaken by the phenomenon, closed his eyes,
concentrating on the muted sounds emerging from the white void. Who
needed eyes to see anyway? A mere question of training./}

> *just stares*
>
> Unshaken by the /what/!?

<innocent look>
What? <veg>
</innocent look>

>> >> > 'It was a mere question of training.'
>> >>
>> >> You are not going to gibve up, are you?
>> >
>> > True... and I'm pretty certain that 'see' is eyes-only. Perception
> doesn't
>> > require eyes. Seeing does. Or, at least, so I believe.
>>
>> It's imagery, don't take everything so literal. And blinds can see with
>> their fingers.
>
> Oh. Good point.

So?

>> >> >> >> >> >> >> "training", of course... but the other bit... "to see
>> > besides
>> >> >> > just
>> >> >> >> >> > yes"?
>> >> >> >> >> >> >
>> >> >> >> >> >> > 'just eyes', not 'just yes'.
>> >> >> >> >> >>
>> >> >> >> >> >> You *know* what I mean.
>> >> >> >> >> >
>> >> >> >> >> > Sorry.
>> >> >> >> >> >
>> >> >> >> >> > besides // prep. & adv.
>> >> >> >> >> > prep. in addition to; apart from.
>> >> >> >> >> > adv. also; as well; moreover.
>> >> >> >> >> > Usage
>> >> >> >> >>
>> >> >> >> >> So...
>> >> >> >> >
>> >> >> >> > Yes?
>> >> >> >>
>> >> >> >> What about : "... Who needed eyes to see in any case (anyway?); a
>> > mere
>> >> >> >> question of training." Although I'm not so sure if the part after
>> > the
>> >> >> >> ';' fits in.
>> >> >> >
>> >> >> > 'It was a mere question of training.' And change the semicolon to
> a
>> >> >> > question mark. *nod nod*
>> >> >>
>> >> >> Do I have tow write in full sentences? (See above.)
>> >> >
>> >> > *nods* I think so... not certain whether you're referring to the
> 'It
>> > was'
>> >> > or the splitting into separate sentences. If the first, it feels
> like a
>> >> > fragment of a sentence, unfinished; if the second, I /think/ it's
>> > because
>> >>
>> >> Yes, I meant that.
>> >
>> > The 'It was'? I think I gave the reason just below... what's your
>> > reaction?
>>
>> I'm annoyed, but that's my own fault. Still, I don't really know what it
>> is with you and ellipses(sp?) or rather what what it is with you
>> *against* ellipses.
>
> Erm. When have I said I was against ellipses?

ellipse=sentence with some of the sentence structure missing (like a
subject or the verbal form or something like that)

[The villagers, on
the other hand, panicked finally and now people were constantly
bumping into, stumbling and falling over each other. Elias stepped to
the side, narrowly the man crashed into the wall next to him and
continued listening closely.

s/the man crashed/avoiding a man who crashed/]

[There was something else, something
moving from the border of the village towards the stake, in what
seemed like a more or less straight line. A hothead for sure, but a
good one, damn good.]

{She made it. She could see where she was going; now someone ought to
say it was too hard a spell for her, but it wasn't the time to priding
herself.

s/*/She did it; she could see where she was going. Too hard a spell for
her, was it? But now wasn't the time for pride./}

>> >> >> > Hmm. Here, I'd suggest 'She made it; she could see' (etc.).
>> >> >>
>> >> >> Sounds good to me.
>> >> >
>> >> > HOOWAH! *much happiness*
>> >> >
>> >> > And after consideration, have you contemplated rewriting the last
>> > sentence
>> >> > slightly in order to avoid the was/wasn't repeat? *thinks* Hrm.
>> > Thought
>> >> > of 'But there was no time for pride.', except that that doesn't
> fit...
>> >> > she's indulging in a slight bit of pride, then concentrating on more
>> >> > important matters. 'no time for pride' would only be when the
>> > narrator's
>> >> > observing, and speaking about what she /might/ have thought, had
> there
>> > been
>> >> > time... Hrm.
>> >>
>> >> Hm...
>> >
>> > Hm?
>>
>> I'm not so sure if I can follow you, but in any case I have no better
>> ideas.
>
> Rulg.

I *know* that's bad.

>> And didn't we agree on 'did it' in any case?
>
> Maybe. Can't remember... in any case, it's better than 'made it'. *nod
> nod*

So where are we?

[Laiva jumped up and in one movement broke into full run,
Mynor at her heels.

s/into full/into a full/]

[At least the fires kept
the villagers out of the center. Quickly she pulled the arrow out of
the man's body and grabbed his dagger; she didn't need it, but there
was no way she'd let them use it only one more time.

s/it only one/it even one/]

[Then she turned
to the stake and, with a few quick cuts, freed the girl from the
ropes, causing her to sink to the ground. She was indeed alive, but
hardly conscious; what had they only done to her.

s/they only done to her./they done to her?/
s/ropes, causing her to/ropes, letting her/]

[Laiva had no time to loose, though.

s/loose/lose/]

[The havoc wouldn't last forever and neither would the
fog, do she put the girls arm around her shoulders and pulled her
upright; she was heavier than she looked for sure.

s/fog, do/fog, so/
s/heavier than she looked for sure/certainly heavier than she looked/
s/the girls arm/the girl's arm/]

[How were they only
getting out of here like that?

s/*/How were they going to make it to safety? She couldn't even properly
walk like that!/]

[The Azanee girl was heaving a much harder time for sure, but as far as
he could tell she was doing well. The yells and curses of the
villagers talked their own language.

s/talked their own language/were proof enough of that/]

[The icy air was burning the skin and the wind made them shiver.

s/was burning the/burned the/]

[Laiva
had given her coat to the other girl; she wouldn't have survived for
more than a few minutes in her thin dress. Even with the fires around
she must have been seriously cold.

s/around she must/around, she must/
s/with the fires/with all the fires/
s/seriously/extremely/]

[At least they didn't
seem to follow them; they probably though they wouldn't get far before
freezing to death anyway and perhaps they were right.

s/to follow them/to be following them/
s/probably though/probably thought/]

[Laiva wondered
how they managed to even get this far; what they needed now was a
warming fire, but the deep snow made even the thought appear futile
and and the only houses were probably the ones they were running away
from.

s/how they managed/how they had managed/
s/and and the only houses were probably/and the only houses probably
were/
s/to even get/to get even/]

>> >> > Hrm. Did I advise that you change it from 'only houses were
> probably'
>> > to
>> >> > 'only houses probably were'?
>> >>
>> >> Yes, you did.
>> >
>> > Oh.
>> >
>> > ...Why? *tries to remember*
>>
>> ...because it sounded better? Perhaps?
>
> Urgle. In any case, brain above optimum temperature for thinking. Need
> cold water. Or ice-water. Whatever works.

Try the freezer.

[It wasn't as cold as she had expected, comforting
even, surrounding her like a soft blanket. She felt so tired all of
the sudden; a bit of sleep surely wouldn't hurt, would it? Just a
moment or two.

s/all of the sudden/all of a sudden/
s/two./two.../]
--
emmel <the_emmel*you-know-what-that's-for*@gmx.net>
(Don't forget to remove the ** bit)

Official AGC feedback maniac

"God is playing creatures - and we're the norns."

"A hundred dead are a tragedy - a hundred thousand are statistics."

"I guess you can call yourself lucky." -
"I could, but Linda suits me a little better... Smile

Things called lucky tend to get hit by trucks."

Hi, I'm a .sig virus. Just copy me to your .signature. And don't worry.