The Song of the Wistful Gamester

Some people may have seen this one before in another forum, but I can't
resist reposting it here.
For reasons connected to... er... the fact that I wear asbestos pants
nowadays, let me state that this song is not meant to accompany a snuff
movie featuring Firaxis or any employee thereof. It is merely intended to
illustrate certain feelings of missing something in a humorous way.

If I had a patch, man,
I'd march to Rome at once and take the city for my own,
Letting Caesar run behind my horse,
Wearing chains and jeered at by the mob.

If I had a patch, man,
I'd kill off Shaka right away and then send Hattie all my love,
Conquer Izzy's lands and make them mine,
And send packs of missionaries there.

I'd teach all of Spain to cleave to my religion
And cede their Wonders unto me,
Build me lots of archers, catapults and swords!
I'd go to war with Monty and both Khans,
Enlisting faithful friends to my help me out:
Cyrus, Franklin, Elizabeth, sending hordes.

I'd fill the civs with corp executives and spies, all
For the world to see and hear,
Laughing as they make them pay to me.
And lots of squawks and honks and songs and howls
Would land like a trumpet on my ear,
As if to say: "He owns the Modern Three."

The heads of all the mighty civs would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to vassalize them,
And call me greatest of them all.
"If you please, Augustus..."
"Pardon me, Augustus..."
Giving me every resource I ever could desire!
And it won't make one bit of difference if I treat them right or wrong,
When you rule, they know that they are owned!

If I had a patch, man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd play Beyond the Sword,
If I had a working patch.
I wouldn't have to get annoyed.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I had a truly working patch,
Yiddle-diddle-didle-didle-man.
You who made the game and sent it out,
Can't you see why I object and pout,
Would it spoil some plan that you did hatch,
If I had a working patch?

Öjevind