PW! - Aboard the SS Anne

It was a bright morning, and the SS Anne was welcoming its new
passangers. Matthew, the security guard, was in a good mood. Days
like this made working on a ship truly worthwhile. The sea, the sun,
the sand ... And most of the passangers were already on board. Just
a couple of elderly ladies left in the queue.

"Bags, please," he said jovially.

"Well, I never," said one of the ladies – a short, chubby woman. "The
cheek of some men. I tell you, Esther, it's getting like Guantanamo
Bay 'round these parts."

"Shush now Gina," said the taller, leaner woman. "Give the man your
bag. He needs to check for knives and what have you."

"Knives? I'm not one of these teenagings, you know."

"Look," said Matthew. "It's just routine. We've got to check
everyone out."

Gina grumpily handed over her bag.

"What's this?" asked Matthew, removing a remote control.

"Oh, that's for my mobility scooter," said Gina.

"Why does it say 'Giant Robot mark four' on the back?"

"That's the make, dearie," said Gina.

"Is it really necessary to ask about every little thing?" asked Esther
impatiently.

"We'll come to you in a minute, ma'am," said Matthew, growing
impatient himself.

"You will not!" spluttered Esther. "I have no bags."

"What? None?"

"It excites the menfolk, a ladie's bag."

"I see." Matthew privately wondered whether he ought to find out
where this lady's room was, so that he could avoid it like the
plague. "Hang on – what's this?"

He removed six Poké Balls from the bag.

"No rule against Pokémon," said Gina.

"No," agreed Matthew. "But you have to declare them."

"Then, I declare that I have Pokémon."

The guard was scanning the balls with a portable device.

"What ARE you doing to my darling little Pokémon?" Gina demanded.

"Getting their details," said Matthew. "Need to make sure they're not
smuggled. New orders after that business with the SS Tidal a few
years ago."

"You listen here," said Esther. "It's getting damn near impossible to
get on board ships these days. And don't talk to me about trains!
And not forgetting air travel – would that I could! You'll be
searching folks before they can use their own CARS next."

"I'm all finished!" said Matthew, replacing Gina's items and handing
the bag back. "You can go aboard."

"THANK you," said Esther. "Come on, Gina."

And they strided aboard with a confidence that made Matthew completely
forget that he hadn't checked their tickets.

Laren and Di- Sorry. Let me start again.

Esther and Gina walked into the enormous dining room of the SS Anne.
It was incredibly luxurious – all candlesticks, closhes and thirteen
pieces of cutlery. This would, it seem, double up as a ballroom later
in the evening. The place seemed to be devoid of staff at the moment.

"Call this a dinner?" said Gina. "Look at 'em forks an' things.
There ain't nothing worth eating can't be eaten with a spoon, that's
what my old mam used to say."

"Don't embarass us, Gina," said Esther. "We've got to be cultured,
you know. Blend in with the nobs."

"I am cultured," said Gina petulently. "Know all the words to Aqua
Can't Be Buggered and everything."

"That's not culture," said Esther.

"Excuse me, ladies," said a man with a French accent. "Would you
mind?"

The women turned around to face him sternly.

The man flushed. "We're trying to sort out the dinner."

"Your point being?" asked Esther. She was looking down at the
waiter. She was good at that.

"It would be handy if you were ... elsewhere," said the waiter, trying
to regain the upper hand in pompousness.

"That's rich," said Esther. "Being told to sod off by furriners. I
tell you. What is the world coming to?"

"You have rooms, do you not?" asked the waiter.

"OF COURSE WE DO," said Gina, slightly louder than was necessary.
Much louder than was necessary.

"Then that may be a better place to spend your time, no?"

"No," said Esther. "I'm here to make sure you're doing a proper job.
Not like in my day. People would've given their left arm to be a
waiter on a ship when I were a lass. Not like these days. Let in all
sorts, they do."

"I really must insist that you leave." The waiter sighed. "This is
ridiculous! Surely you would like to meet and greet your fellow
passengers?"

"Not likely," said Gina. "You've seen one lord, you've seen 'em all."

"Tell you what, Gina," said Esther. "Let's see if there's anyone
trading Pokémon on board. I heard there was quite a scene for it on
this ship."

And so, finally, on their own terms, the strangers left the waiter in
peace.

Thank goodness they'd gone. Now he could drop the accent and steal
the cutlery. Henry "Knuckles" McGraw laughed to himself. Who'd
suspect a criminal on board the SS Anne?